solitary

Submitted by: Lyahnize Rojas

---

sometimes,
when words have a weight,
i like to sit and think about
the things that would calm me down.

i remember those nights i'd fall asleep
to your steady breaths.

i remember taking comfort in the silence
that fell between.

i remember how your presence was enough to submerge me
into a state of relaxation no metaphor could comprehend.

you were my constant.

you were my heartbeat.

you were my clarity.

and with you,
i was stable.

but these nights i lie awake
speaking to another.

one who's begged to be that remedy.

one who i would wish cure me
if i wasn't so preoccupied searching for you.

these breaths they take don't fill my lungs like yours did.

i still find myself overwhelmed with insecurity,
in times i'm surrounded by security.

that's just one of the many things
that returned in your absence.

something in me broke that day,
and the piece that shattered was too
significant to sweep under the rug.

see, in the fragments of that glass rest
my sense of reality itself.

when i look through them with a
microscope,
everything is as it should be.

yet i still spend these hours
examining every shard,
searching for something i know cannot be found.

then every time i pause,
i look back at all that time wasted
and the pile in front of me
and i think about giving up,
because i know that this is insanity.

I am insane.